Just one of those days...

Have you had one of those days where everything just seems to go wrong? You know, when even getting out of bed just didn't sit right, and whatever you do that day, it just doesn't stop coming down on you? Well, this just seemed to be mine today.

It actually started the day before, when my laptop began to make this breathtaking noise, as in I could hardly take a breath because I was so worried that she might die on me any second. So I decided to just switch her off and see what would happen after she had had some rest (my laptops are usually male and named after Jane Austen characters, however this one, as was, incidentally, one of my gerbils who passed away about a decade ago, is called Mrs. Selwyn, from the novel Evelina... and seems to be equally stubborn). After a few hours she was still making sounds as if she was choking to death, and I panicked. I live on this computer, my entire life depends on it. Or so it seems. My, if I had heard myself say this even 10 years ago, I would have slapped myself real hard and told me to get back to real life... You know, where you spend face to face time with friends, not write emails or chat on Facebook. But these days, the days of The Great Jobhunt, I spend hours searching for vacancies, applying and polishing up my CV and cover letters. Not to speak of my only source of income these days, translating and proofreading gay novels. So, the prospect of losing this laptop, and not having the funds to buy a new one or pay for a costly repair, was sheer blinding terror that threatened my entire future, as far as I was concerned. 
So, first thing: Got an appointment at the Apple store for a check up, though the next available was only 5 days later. 5 days! What if it dies tomorrow? And with all my documents on the harddrive? Thus, next step, send all the important things from one to another email account, to be sure they are somewhere out there on the internet when I need them. 

Sounds almost calm and composed, doesn't it? Well, it might sound that way, but I certainly wasn't. I was panicking. The kind with tears in my eyes and not being able to see clearly how to deal with the problem. I don't know what it is about technology, but it has a way of stressing me out to unimaginable levels. Maybe because I don't understand it beyond certain limits, and am left helpless. And I hate being helpless. 

Which brings me to the general feeling these days, that only added to my exciting laptop experience: I am still looking for a job, and a hundred applications down the line I simply don't understand what I am doing wrong. I am qualified, I am more than motivated to work, I have unique experience to bring to the job AND am happy and willing to learn whatever it takes to do good work, and STILL I get only rejection emails, if anything at all. What other keywords do you guys want to hear, I wonder? What am I doing wrong? And that at a stage where my savings are running dangerously low, too... Not really what you would call a balanced state of mind, I gather. 

But, I am not finished. Then add a spot of bother with the boyfriend, well, not bother as such, just a phase of a bit distanced behaviour where he doesn't react in that happy way to me that he used to and instead seems to need his space... at any other time I would probably be the one needing a bit of space, and I certainly understand the concept and have no problem accepting it. Today, paranoia sets in, and a shoulder shrug grows into a deeply meaningful rejection, even while he is hugging me. Ah, the sheer endless power of the mind... On the bright side, I certainly haven't lost my very vivid imagination. How much my paranoid interpretations contain a grain of truth will yet need to be seen... What was the saying again? Just because you are paranoid doesn't mean they are NOT out to get you...

So, jobless, running out of means of living, rejected in so many instances and on various levels, even by my computer, and waking up this morning with a horrible start as soon as I remembered this trouble... and THEN I find out the guarantee for the laptop has just run out 2 weeks ago... I can only say, it is a miracle I only drank one pint. Oh, and also, it is raining and friggin' cold... Just to make that clear.

So, what do you do when it all just seems to be out to get you? Sit down and cry? Doesn't help much. I know, I've tried. Well, it does help to just get it all out for a while, until you are so tired that you have no choice but to stop. But then? 

I guess everyone has their own recipe for such a situation. I don't actually have a recipe, though, I always end up with something different after a day has attempted to crush me with all its weight. Today I ended up applying for a job at the St. Pancras hotel, for no logical reason other than I simply love the building so much. I watched its progress when I was living in the area and walked by almost every day, and have desperately tried getting an Open House ticket for a tour, with all my email addresses and all those of my flatmates, too, but in vain. So I figured, well, I speak languages, they should like that, and I really really REALLY want to get into that building and see what they've done to the place, and not just the lobby. So, be it for an interview, or even better, get a job there, but this way I at least have a possible chance to see it. Now it just remains to see what comes of it... 

What already HAS become of it is that I am currently sitting here, calm and composed, and waiting for the backup of all my files onto my flatmate's harddisk to finish, while I type up this little story and dream of all the possibilities a job application provides. I must say, the possibility of perhaps spending the Christmas season in one of the most impressively restored lobbies I have seen does, as far as job fantasies go, rank quite up there among the top numbers, even if it includes a few grumpy posh guests having a go at me here and there.       

More Music for Life!

Music was my first love and it will be my last... or how did that song go again? Anyway, I love music. I have been ecstatic about music. I miss those teenage days where music was all important and so powerful that a song could completely overwhelm me. I miss the emotion behind it...

But even now, I live with music, I have a life soundtrack that hums in my mind, if not otherwise, as just now, on I Tunes while I type... It is quite interesting to see what songs suddenly pop into my mind in certain situations, mostly triggered by a word I heard or read, or a fragment of melody I came across. 

Despite all this, there is still another level to music when you sit down and play it yourself. I have my flute with me, and have started again to play quite regularly. Not seriously as I used to, back when I took lessons and was supposed to practice at least an hour each day. Which basically meant that I was VERY good at reading from the sheet without ever having practiced that piece before. But I did play quite often, with the school orchestras and with friends, and it is just such a wonderful feeling when you feel the music coming together and forming one whole piece of art. 

For myself I play quite often just to relax, take my mind of things, and just flow with the melody. A kind of meditation, if you will. Especially with the flute that works very well, since you have to breathe with the music, and breathe deeply at that. It relaxes. It calms me down. It puts things in perspective. And it may annoy my neighbours, but since nobody has ever said anything, well, tough luck! 

But playing just by myself is just not enough sometimes. So I am really glad to have found a friend who plays the piano. About the same level that I play the flute, luckily, so we can take it just as it is supposed to be: Make some music and have fun! We just checked a little what we have last night, as in sheet music that is, but mainly came to the conclusion that we will need to find some more things. Easy things. Things that have a piano and a flute (or another solo instrument). Because I have a bit of flute music, without the piano part, and she has her piano music, but no solo part for flute. So we have agreed that I will just write out the solo part of The Entertainer for now, that should work, and else we are now officially on the hunt for nice little things on the internet. Coming up to Christmas I am quite sure that there is quite a bit to be found in that line of music. Oh, and I am sure there is a music library in this city, I mean, this is London after all, so I hope to go there and browse their catalogue a bit, see what treasures I come across.  But I am more than happy about any hints and suggestions!

Ah, so glad to be finally making some music again! There is just nothing like it...

The 10 Things to Do before You Die Question

I don't know how, but somehow we got talking about these "Things  you have to do before you die" lists yesterday. And that got me thinking. I mean really thinking. I know, when I was eight or nine I made a list of things I wanted to do in my lifetime. I just can't remember much of what was on there. One thing I do remember, and that's still outstanding: Go see a real live baseball game, I mean a serious one, so it's gotta be in the States or at least involve two evenly matched teams, and not the Dragons versus the Baystars, where Nagoya kept hitting homeruns while the Baystars had no clue what to do. That didn't count, cause it was just plain boring. But then, maybe I find that watching the Red Sox or so would be just as boring, who knows? I still intend to find out some day...

But what else was on that list? I think I basically have done the rest already. Go to Japan. Live abroad. See Tokyo (only to discover that I love Osaka so much more). Travel around Ireland (ok, I could argue there's still plenty more ground to cover there if I wanted to). 

I still have a few things left that I want to see or do. Like travel in India. See Angkor Wat. See those heads on Easter Island. But mainly, well, it almost seems I am running out of dreams, cause most of the time I just go and do it. Some things didn't turn out the way I thought they would, but I also have no problem just changing plans, or my mind, or whatever needs changing at the moment. 

That should make me feel proud, right? I do what I want, live my dream... but somehow, the idea of running out of dreams is scaring me. I mean, I will never really run out of dreams, there will always be something left, something I will want to see or do or experience. And one of my dreams at least involves a very long time, i.e. find a partner to build a life with, and that is not done in a trip or two.  But they are getting less and less, and I find it increasingly difficult to come up with even a handful of things I still really want to do before I die, you know, with all that emotional vigour behind the dream.

However, I actually miss all those dreams that I used to have, all the hopefulness and the images that I had of places or things, before reality came rushing in when I actually went and did it. Suddenly I had no more options to embellish it with whatever I wanted, since now I knew what it was like.  And had no more room for imagination left.

I like imagining things, I like creating pictures in my head of what a place could be like, or how a situation could enfold. Which is maybe why I love reading, because I am free, or at least freer than with watching a film, to picture the scene in my way, with my colours, my faces, my decoration...

I feel sad when I think of people that don't have dreams. That just do what they are told, not because they want it but because they can't come up with things for themselves. And even worse: People who don't read and can't enjoy the imaginary world of a book. I don't care what you read, for Heaven's sake, read friggin' Dan Brown if that tickles your fancy, but not to be able to build these worlds in your head, create faces and scenes and pictures in your mind without TV having to dot every last bit down for you, that is just the saddest thing I can think of in life.

So, as for me, I find it difficult to still come up with 10 things to do. That could be either a good thing or a bad thing, and I guess for me it depends on my mood that day to decide which way I want to see it... I just hope that everyone will someday manage to have their own dreams. What else is there to drive you on in life if not a dream? So, it really doesn't matter what you put on that list, and even if it's only one thing. As long as you have something to dream about!        

The Eternal Roller Coaster

And here I thought in my 30s I would've learned how to deal with my emotions. And then I end up having days that start out fine, but suddenly take this deep dip down into the abyss, where all I want is a reason to sit down and cry. Granted, mostly this is related to PMS, or rather DMS (as in during), since my moodiness usually occurs at the same time as my period, you know, where you want everyone else to suffer just as much as you do, make them bleed, too, if only you could. And then sit down the next minute and cry about it. 
But the occasional bad day creeps in at other times as well, where everything just seems to be too much, eats away all my energy, and I just want to cry it all out. Those days I end up watching some chick flick with a sad story, or read an emotional book, and even if it's not terribly well written I will cry anyway, as I can suddenly empathise with the characters, where otherwise I'd be annoyed by the mediocre depictions. Funnily enough, many books I can only read in that particular mood, under normal circumstances chances are the book would go flying.

So let's say this roller coaster is hormonal, which I sort of understand. What happens then on these other days, which are apparently unrelated to the cycle? Why do I still have those, when I was supposed to be over these mood swings with my teenage years? 
Well, whatever the reason may be, what I do know for sure is that I am not the only one. I know some other women who have the occasional cry-in. Some even do the bitch attack without prior warning, and without PMS. I only do that when someone tries to talk to me in the morning, and expects an answer. 
So yes, even in my 30s I am still on the roller coaster. And I suspect that, despite what society tells you about growing up and acting like an adult, I will continue to be like this until I'm an old lady. You know, one of those grumpy old women that are allowed to say anything, preferably some nice backhanded comment like Maggie Smith's character in Downton Abbey. Now THAT's something to aspire to! But I really could do without these down-and-out days with the sad hormones and go right on to the bitch-slapping. So much more fun! 
I just wonder, is there a reason that they never told us that we won't get rid of these emotional ups and downs? Had they told us as kids, would we not have had enough respect for adults, perhaps, since they are just as irrational as a teenager, even if they are better at pretending they are not? Come to think of it, are we as adults really better at pretending? Or just forced to at least try and pretend? If so, I guess I am just not really good at being an adult. And I'm not sure if that is actually a bad thing...

Thoughts on Job Hunting...

So, it's been a while since I thought of writing something for the blog. But job hunting has pretty much taken over my life these days. Well, not completely, I do manage to escape on occasion, and mostly that occasion is my man. But otherwise, well, wake up, switch on the computer, snuggle up with a cuppa tea and search for jobs online. I am still convinced that I will find a job soon, after all, I am sure I would be an asset with my experience, and I am certainly extremely adaptable, plus I love learning, so whatever comes along, I can learn to do it. Unfortunately, how do you get those HR people to realise that from the bit of information you send their way? I was sure it's all there, and they should see it. But apparently my way of self-advertising is not yet using the right keywords. I find myself at a loss there, though, cause what is it they want to hear? I've been applying for jobs that I am more than qualified and experienced to do, granted, some of them were quite a bit down the ladder again, so I can see how they might think I'd be jumping ship first opportunity I got. Maybe I should just say that all I want is a job that pays the bills and leaves me enough time to get home and write? But then I am not showing enough enthusiasm for the role again, aren't I? However you turn it, something always is wrong...

Well, what can I do? I will go on looking, and so far I am still convinced that my next job is just around the corner! Starting job-hunting in summer, and the Olympic summer at that, was certainly not the brightest idea. So, employers, here I am! Take me! Because, despite my sometimes a bit stubborn views of what is best I really want to work, and I really want to work as well as I possibly can, and learn and expand my knowledge. Take me!!   

Ex News...

 

Well, this got me thinking... I just heard that one of my exes got married. It doesn't surprise me, I kind of figured he might sell out. See, it was an arranged marriage, and since he was clearly unable to form and maintain a relationship on his own I sort of guessed that this would be an easy way out for him, even when we were together, and sooner or later he would just let it happen. His family put pressure on him all the time to find a nice Indian girl, and it was just a matter of time until he would give in, after all he was not the type who would stand up for me and make it happen that we would stay together. So, it's not actually a real surprise. 

But it is, though. It's one of those things, where marriage suddenly takes on a whole different meaning. Where marriage is the goal, and he has achieved it. I don't even believe in marriage, but hearing this rings this tiny little bell somewhere in my unconscious mind that says this is what you have to do in life, "'cause we say so". It's not even that kind of marriage, you know, marriage for love, this whole thing was just arranged. Plus, it's probably not even going to be a very happy one, which kind of makes me sad to think, particularly for her... He was so caught up in his own personal problems, that he indulged a lot in his little fantasies, to the extent that he seemed to live for them, but then when it came to performance, well, let's just say, his fantasy world did not have much to do with the real world. It was a sexually frustrating relationship for me, and I assume that she is not going to fare that much better. I kind of hope, for her sake, that he has changed, but I seriously doubt that. 

So all in all, it's not like he has won... you know, how you sometimes have the feeling you need to be the first after you break up to get another partner, just to win over the other person, to prove that you are over them. I met him again after we broke up, and had nothing to say to him, it was all over, and I had no interest in pursuing any sort of relationship with him. It IS over. And I really don't want him back. I am actually the one who has a lovely man in my life right now, the beginning phase where everything is exciting and new, and everything is still open to possibility. I am happy with him, and curious to see what will become of us in the future. I am not looking for anyone else, I am happy right where I am. But still, hearing this news, it somehow brought me down. A bit. Not enough to depress me, but it does leave a strange taste in my mouth, the taste of failure, even if I know that I haven't failed. I just don't understand why... Maybe tomorrow will give me an answer?

 

A Night Person in the Morning

I am not a morning person. Never have been, never will. It's genetic, my whole family is a grumpy lot before their first coffee. I mean, I am seriously dangerous in the morning, when I am not really awake yet, and someone tries and asks me a question, and then even worse, expects an answer. I have been known to scare my boss into leaving the subject and gently approaching me again two hours later on the topic with just one mean look. It's the I breathe fire and have no qualms about burning you into a smoking little pile of ash if you don't leave me alone kind of look. And I mean it! 

So, not a morning person. My brain doesn't really work, and all I want is to sleep, and having to force myself into reading something, listening to someone and following their line of argument, and worse, having to decide what I want to do or eat later when I can't even manage to think about the next minute, that is hell for me. I just wasn't built for this time of the day. I am rather the kind of person who can stay up late into the night, watch the sun come up again, and get a lot of things done until then. Morning is when you sleep!

And then I go out and start dating a morning person. Which as such is not a first, I have dated other guys that woke and got up at 6 in the morning just for the fun of it, which I just cannot understand in the least. That kind of behaviour is simply so alien to me, they might have come from a different planet. For all I know they did...

Usually that just means they learn to do their own thing in the morning, and when we get to a more decent time, you know, one that has two digits in the front, I'd crawl out of bed, get a coffee, and join them. This guy, however, actually got me to wake up with him, and not even notice that it was so early. I'm still not a great talker before I get a few teas down, since at the moment I seem to be neglecting my coffee addiction for a serious tea drinking habit. But for example during 4 days that my boyfriend took me out camping he somehow managed to have me up in functioning mode and out on the road by 9am. Which in itself is a miracle. But it gets worse. I now sit here, at 7am, as in early in the morning, having woken up way earlier and already on the second cup of tea, and am writing! I mean, what is this? He isn't even here, I was at home all by myself. So it's not like he was here slowly waking me up by getting fidgety or something. It was all my own doing! 

This is just so wrong. I feel like someone has stolen my personality and replaced it with one from the breakfast show. I might still not be chirpy, but this waking up and having a working brain frightens me. I'm not used to this! I want my lazy mornings back, where I could enjoy the heavy feeling of sleep in my warm bed, slowly letting some thoughts sift through the fog until I am ready for the day. This waking up and suddenly having the urge to get tea and write is just unnatural. I am not equipped for dealing with coherent thought at this hour! Well, let's see, with a bit of training I might actually get my own personality back...