Ex News...

 

Well, this got me thinking... I just heard that one of my exes got married. It doesn't surprise me, I kind of figured he might sell out. See, it was an arranged marriage, and since he was clearly unable to form and maintain a relationship on his own I sort of guessed that this would be an easy way out for him, even when we were together, and sooner or later he would just let it happen. His family put pressure on him all the time to find a nice Indian girl, and it was just a matter of time until he would give in, after all he was not the type who would stand up for me and make it happen that we would stay together. So, it's not actually a real surprise. 

But it is, though. It's one of those things, where marriage suddenly takes on a whole different meaning. Where marriage is the goal, and he has achieved it. I don't even believe in marriage, but hearing this rings this tiny little bell somewhere in my unconscious mind that says this is what you have to do in life, "'cause we say so". It's not even that kind of marriage, you know, marriage for love, this whole thing was just arranged. Plus, it's probably not even going to be a very happy one, which kind of makes me sad to think, particularly for her... He was so caught up in his own personal problems, that he indulged a lot in his little fantasies, to the extent that he seemed to live for them, but then when it came to performance, well, let's just say, his fantasy world did not have much to do with the real world. It was a sexually frustrating relationship for me, and I assume that she is not going to fare that much better. I kind of hope, for her sake, that he has changed, but I seriously doubt that. 

So all in all, it's not like he has won... you know, how you sometimes have the feeling you need to be the first after you break up to get another partner, just to win over the other person, to prove that you are over them. I met him again after we broke up, and had nothing to say to him, it was all over, and I had no interest in pursuing any sort of relationship with him. It IS over. And I really don't want him back. I am actually the one who has a lovely man in my life right now, the beginning phase where everything is exciting and new, and everything is still open to possibility. I am happy with him, and curious to see what will become of us in the future. I am not looking for anyone else, I am happy right where I am. But still, hearing this news, it somehow brought me down. A bit. Not enough to depress me, but it does leave a strange taste in my mouth, the taste of failure, even if I know that I haven't failed. I just don't understand why... Maybe tomorrow will give me an answer?