Just one of those days...

Have you had one of those days where everything just seems to go wrong? You know, when even getting out of bed just didn't sit right, and whatever you do that day, it just doesn't stop coming down on you? Well, this just seemed to be mine today.

It actually started the day before, when my laptop began to make this breathtaking noise, as in I could hardly take a breath because I was so worried that she might die on me any second. So I decided to just switch her off and see what would happen after she had had some rest (my laptops are usually male and named after Jane Austen characters, however this one, as was, incidentally, one of my gerbils who passed away about a decade ago, is called Mrs. Selwyn, from the novel Evelina... and seems to be equally stubborn). After a few hours she was still making sounds as if she was choking to death, and I panicked. I live on this computer, my entire life depends on it. Or so it seems. My, if I had heard myself say this even 10 years ago, I would have slapped myself real hard and told me to get back to real life... You know, where you spend face to face time with friends, not write emails or chat on Facebook. But these days, the days of The Great Jobhunt, I spend hours searching for vacancies, applying and polishing up my CV and cover letters. Not to speak of my only source of income these days, translating and proofreading gay novels. So, the prospect of losing this laptop, and not having the funds to buy a new one or pay for a costly repair, was sheer blinding terror that threatened my entire future, as far as I was concerned. 
So, first thing: Got an appointment at the Apple store for a check up, though the next available was only 5 days later. 5 days! What if it dies tomorrow? And with all my documents on the harddrive? Thus, next step, send all the important things from one to another email account, to be sure they are somewhere out there on the internet when I need them. 

Sounds almost calm and composed, doesn't it? Well, it might sound that way, but I certainly wasn't. I was panicking. The kind with tears in my eyes and not being able to see clearly how to deal with the problem. I don't know what it is about technology, but it has a way of stressing me out to unimaginable levels. Maybe because I don't understand it beyond certain limits, and am left helpless. And I hate being helpless. 

Which brings me to the general feeling these days, that only added to my exciting laptop experience: I am still looking for a job, and a hundred applications down the line I simply don't understand what I am doing wrong. I am qualified, I am more than motivated to work, I have unique experience to bring to the job AND am happy and willing to learn whatever it takes to do good work, and STILL I get only rejection emails, if anything at all. What other keywords do you guys want to hear, I wonder? What am I doing wrong? And that at a stage where my savings are running dangerously low, too... Not really what you would call a balanced state of mind, I gather. 

But, I am not finished. Then add a spot of bother with the boyfriend, well, not bother as such, just a phase of a bit distanced behaviour where he doesn't react in that happy way to me that he used to and instead seems to need his space... at any other time I would probably be the one needing a bit of space, and I certainly understand the concept and have no problem accepting it. Today, paranoia sets in, and a shoulder shrug grows into a deeply meaningful rejection, even while he is hugging me. Ah, the sheer endless power of the mind... On the bright side, I certainly haven't lost my very vivid imagination. How much my paranoid interpretations contain a grain of truth will yet need to be seen... What was the saying again? Just because you are paranoid doesn't mean they are NOT out to get you...

So, jobless, running out of means of living, rejected in so many instances and on various levels, even by my computer, and waking up this morning with a horrible start as soon as I remembered this trouble... and THEN I find out the guarantee for the laptop has just run out 2 weeks ago... I can only say, it is a miracle I only drank one pint. Oh, and also, it is raining and friggin' cold... Just to make that clear.

So, what do you do when it all just seems to be out to get you? Sit down and cry? Doesn't help much. I know, I've tried. Well, it does help to just get it all out for a while, until you are so tired that you have no choice but to stop. But then? 

I guess everyone has their own recipe for such a situation. I don't actually have a recipe, though, I always end up with something different after a day has attempted to crush me with all its weight. Today I ended up applying for a job at the St. Pancras hotel, for no logical reason other than I simply love the building so much. I watched its progress when I was living in the area and walked by almost every day, and have desperately tried getting an Open House ticket for a tour, with all my email addresses and all those of my flatmates, too, but in vain. So I figured, well, I speak languages, they should like that, and I really really REALLY want to get into that building and see what they've done to the place, and not just the lobby. So, be it for an interview, or even better, get a job there, but this way I at least have a possible chance to see it. Now it just remains to see what comes of it... 

What already HAS become of it is that I am currently sitting here, calm and composed, and waiting for the backup of all my files onto my flatmate's harddisk to finish, while I type up this little story and dream of all the possibilities a job application provides. I must say, the possibility of perhaps spending the Christmas season in one of the most impressively restored lobbies I have seen does, as far as job fantasies go, rank quite up there among the top numbers, even if it includes a few grumpy posh guests having a go at me here and there.