Autumn Smells

And then sometimes when your body doesn't function properly, or rather has to fight off the alcohol you just drank and thus neglects your sense of balance, it sometimes heightens other senses. So there I was, I had had 3 pints, which is under normal circumstances not terribly much for me, but that day it hit me so that I couldn't even finish the last pint. On the bus back home I started getting really dizzy, very uncomfortably dizzy indeed, so that I decided to get out at Newington Green and walk the alcohol off. And even though I was tired and just wanted my bed, the hour it took me to get home from there was a really nice experience. Strangely enough.

See, either it was the lateness of the evening and fewer cars around that could dilute the smell, or just my body focussing more on smell since other functions were a little impaired, I am not sure. But on the way, on this slightly damp autumn night, I had to pass three parks, and I vividly remember the beautiful smell. 

This is autumn, this is how autumn smells. Like damp brown leaves, like wet earth, like the coming of rain and storm on a green lawn... There is still some life in this smell, other than the somewhat dry winter smell where you can smell nothing green, nothing alive. And it is yet warm enough to carry well through the air, together with the drizzle that seems to be settling in for the season. This is the smell that brings back images of red and yellow leaves on a tree being shaken about by the wind; of fighting against the blow of the wind while walking in the storm, huddled up in a big warm jacket and a scarf that is whipping the air behind you; of the hot tea waiting at home and the amazing feeling when you settle back down into the warmth...

So, I guess it is not always bad to feel drunk and dizzy, if it helps to notice some of the beauty around us. To an extent...

       

Just one of those days...

Have you had one of those days where everything just seems to go wrong? You know, when even getting out of bed just didn't sit right, and whatever you do that day, it just doesn't stop coming down on you? Well, this just seemed to be mine today.

It actually started the day before, when my laptop began to make this breathtaking noise, as in I could hardly take a breath because I was so worried that she might die on me any second. So I decided to just switch her off and see what would happen after she had had some rest (my laptops are usually male and named after Jane Austen characters, however this one, as was, incidentally, one of my gerbils who passed away about a decade ago, is called Mrs. Selwyn, from the novel Evelina... and seems to be equally stubborn). After a few hours she was still making sounds as if she was choking to death, and I panicked. I live on this computer, my entire life depends on it. Or so it seems. My, if I had heard myself say this even 10 years ago, I would have slapped myself real hard and told me to get back to real life... You know, where you spend face to face time with friends, not write emails or chat on Facebook. But these days, the days of The Great Jobhunt, I spend hours searching for vacancies, applying and polishing up my CV and cover letters. Not to speak of my only source of income these days, translating and proofreading gay novels. So, the prospect of losing this laptop, and not having the funds to buy a new one or pay for a costly repair, was sheer blinding terror that threatened my entire future, as far as I was concerned. 
So, first thing: Got an appointment at the Apple store for a check up, though the next available was only 5 days later. 5 days! What if it dies tomorrow? And with all my documents on the harddrive? Thus, next step, send all the important things from one to another email account, to be sure they are somewhere out there on the internet when I need them. 

Sounds almost calm and composed, doesn't it? Well, it might sound that way, but I certainly wasn't. I was panicking. The kind with tears in my eyes and not being able to see clearly how to deal with the problem. I don't know what it is about technology, but it has a way of stressing me out to unimaginable levels. Maybe because I don't understand it beyond certain limits, and am left helpless. And I hate being helpless. 

Which brings me to the general feeling these days, that only added to my exciting laptop experience: I am still looking for a job, and a hundred applications down the line I simply don't understand what I am doing wrong. I am qualified, I am more than motivated to work, I have unique experience to bring to the job AND am happy and willing to learn whatever it takes to do good work, and STILL I get only rejection emails, if anything at all. What other keywords do you guys want to hear, I wonder? What am I doing wrong? And that at a stage where my savings are running dangerously low, too... Not really what you would call a balanced state of mind, I gather. 

But, I am not finished. Then add a spot of bother with the boyfriend, well, not bother as such, just a phase of a bit distanced behaviour where he doesn't react in that happy way to me that he used to and instead seems to need his space... at any other time I would probably be the one needing a bit of space, and I certainly understand the concept and have no problem accepting it. Today, paranoia sets in, and a shoulder shrug grows into a deeply meaningful rejection, even while he is hugging me. Ah, the sheer endless power of the mind... On the bright side, I certainly haven't lost my very vivid imagination. How much my paranoid interpretations contain a grain of truth will yet need to be seen... What was the saying again? Just because you are paranoid doesn't mean they are NOT out to get you...

So, jobless, running out of means of living, rejected in so many instances and on various levels, even by my computer, and waking up this morning with a horrible start as soon as I remembered this trouble... and THEN I find out the guarantee for the laptop has just run out 2 weeks ago... I can only say, it is a miracle I only drank one pint. Oh, and also, it is raining and friggin' cold... Just to make that clear.

So, what do you do when it all just seems to be out to get you? Sit down and cry? Doesn't help much. I know, I've tried. Well, it does help to just get it all out for a while, until you are so tired that you have no choice but to stop. But then? 

I guess everyone has their own recipe for such a situation. I don't actually have a recipe, though, I always end up with something different after a day has attempted to crush me with all its weight. Today I ended up applying for a job at the St. Pancras hotel, for no logical reason other than I simply love the building so much. I watched its progress when I was living in the area and walked by almost every day, and have desperately tried getting an Open House ticket for a tour, with all my email addresses and all those of my flatmates, too, but in vain. So I figured, well, I speak languages, they should like that, and I really really REALLY want to get into that building and see what they've done to the place, and not just the lobby. So, be it for an interview, or even better, get a job there, but this way I at least have a possible chance to see it. Now it just remains to see what comes of it... 

What already HAS become of it is that I am currently sitting here, calm and composed, and waiting for the backup of all my files onto my flatmate's harddisk to finish, while I type up this little story and dream of all the possibilities a job application provides. I must say, the possibility of perhaps spending the Christmas season in one of the most impressively restored lobbies I have seen does, as far as job fantasies go, rank quite up there among the top numbers, even if it includes a few grumpy posh guests having a go at me here and there.       

More Music for Life!

Music was my first love and it will be my last... or how did that song go again? Anyway, I love music. I have been ecstatic about music. I miss those teenage days where music was all important and so powerful that a song could completely overwhelm me. I miss the emotion behind it...

But even now, I live with music, I have a life soundtrack that hums in my mind, if not otherwise, as just now, on I Tunes while I type... It is quite interesting to see what songs suddenly pop into my mind in certain situations, mostly triggered by a word I heard or read, or a fragment of melody I came across. 

Despite all this, there is still another level to music when you sit down and play it yourself. I have my flute with me, and have started again to play quite regularly. Not seriously as I used to, back when I took lessons and was supposed to practice at least an hour each day. Which basically meant that I was VERY good at reading from the sheet without ever having practiced that piece before. But I did play quite often, with the school orchestras and with friends, and it is just such a wonderful feeling when you feel the music coming together and forming one whole piece of art. 

For myself I play quite often just to relax, take my mind of things, and just flow with the melody. A kind of meditation, if you will. Especially with the flute that works very well, since you have to breathe with the music, and breathe deeply at that. It relaxes. It calms me down. It puts things in perspective. And it may annoy my neighbours, but since nobody has ever said anything, well, tough luck! 

But playing just by myself is just not enough sometimes. So I am really glad to have found a friend who plays the piano. About the same level that I play the flute, luckily, so we can take it just as it is supposed to be: Make some music and have fun! We just checked a little what we have last night, as in sheet music that is, but mainly came to the conclusion that we will need to find some more things. Easy things. Things that have a piano and a flute (or another solo instrument). Because I have a bit of flute music, without the piano part, and she has her piano music, but no solo part for flute. So we have agreed that I will just write out the solo part of The Entertainer for now, that should work, and else we are now officially on the hunt for nice little things on the internet. Coming up to Christmas I am quite sure that there is quite a bit to be found in that line of music. Oh, and I am sure there is a music library in this city, I mean, this is London after all, so I hope to go there and browse their catalogue a bit, see what treasures I come across.  But I am more than happy about any hints and suggestions!

Ah, so glad to be finally making some music again! There is just nothing like it...

The 10 Things to Do before You Die Question

I don't know how, but somehow we got talking about these "Things  you have to do before you die" lists yesterday. And that got me thinking. I mean really thinking. I know, when I was eight or nine I made a list of things I wanted to do in my lifetime. I just can't remember much of what was on there. One thing I do remember, and that's still outstanding: Go see a real live baseball game, I mean a serious one, so it's gotta be in the States or at least involve two evenly matched teams, and not the Dragons versus the Baystars, where Nagoya kept hitting homeruns while the Baystars had no clue what to do. That didn't count, cause it was just plain boring. But then, maybe I find that watching the Red Sox or so would be just as boring, who knows? I still intend to find out some day...

But what else was on that list? I think I basically have done the rest already. Go to Japan. Live abroad. See Tokyo (only to discover that I love Osaka so much more). Travel around Ireland (ok, I could argue there's still plenty more ground to cover there if I wanted to). 

I still have a few things left that I want to see or do. Like travel in India. See Angkor Wat. See those heads on Easter Island. But mainly, well, it almost seems I am running out of dreams, cause most of the time I just go and do it. Some things didn't turn out the way I thought they would, but I also have no problem just changing plans, or my mind, or whatever needs changing at the moment. 

That should make me feel proud, right? I do what I want, live my dream... but somehow, the idea of running out of dreams is scaring me. I mean, I will never really run out of dreams, there will always be something left, something I will want to see or do or experience. And one of my dreams at least involves a very long time, i.e. find a partner to build a life with, and that is not done in a trip or two.  But they are getting less and less, and I find it increasingly difficult to come up with even a handful of things I still really want to do before I die, you know, with all that emotional vigour behind the dream.

However, I actually miss all those dreams that I used to have, all the hopefulness and the images that I had of places or things, before reality came rushing in when I actually went and did it. Suddenly I had no more options to embellish it with whatever I wanted, since now I knew what it was like.  And had no more room for imagination left.

I like imagining things, I like creating pictures in my head of what a place could be like, or how a situation could enfold. Which is maybe why I love reading, because I am free, or at least freer than with watching a film, to picture the scene in my way, with my colours, my faces, my decoration...

I feel sad when I think of people that don't have dreams. That just do what they are told, not because they want it but because they can't come up with things for themselves. And even worse: People who don't read and can't enjoy the imaginary world of a book. I don't care what you read, for Heaven's sake, read friggin' Dan Brown if that tickles your fancy, but not to be able to build these worlds in your head, create faces and scenes and pictures in your mind without TV having to dot every last bit down for you, that is just the saddest thing I can think of in life.

So, as for me, I find it difficult to still come up with 10 things to do. That could be either a good thing or a bad thing, and I guess for me it depends on my mood that day to decide which way I want to see it... I just hope that everyone will someday manage to have their own dreams. What else is there to drive you on in life if not a dream? So, it really doesn't matter what you put on that list, and even if it's only one thing. As long as you have something to dream about!        

The Eternal Roller Coaster

And here I thought in my 30s I would've learned how to deal with my emotions. And then I end up having days that start out fine, but suddenly take this deep dip down into the abyss, where all I want is a reason to sit down and cry. Granted, mostly this is related to PMS, or rather DMS (as in during), since my moodiness usually occurs at the same time as my period, you know, where you want everyone else to suffer just as much as you do, make them bleed, too, if only you could. And then sit down the next minute and cry about it. 
But the occasional bad day creeps in at other times as well, where everything just seems to be too much, eats away all my energy, and I just want to cry it all out. Those days I end up watching some chick flick with a sad story, or read an emotional book, and even if it's not terribly well written I will cry anyway, as I can suddenly empathise with the characters, where otherwise I'd be annoyed by the mediocre depictions. Funnily enough, many books I can only read in that particular mood, under normal circumstances chances are the book would go flying.

So let's say this roller coaster is hormonal, which I sort of understand. What happens then on these other days, which are apparently unrelated to the cycle? Why do I still have those, when I was supposed to be over these mood swings with my teenage years? 
Well, whatever the reason may be, what I do know for sure is that I am not the only one. I know some other women who have the occasional cry-in. Some even do the bitch attack without prior warning, and without PMS. I only do that when someone tries to talk to me in the morning, and expects an answer. 
So yes, even in my 30s I am still on the roller coaster. And I suspect that, despite what society tells you about growing up and acting like an adult, I will continue to be like this until I'm an old lady. You know, one of those grumpy old women that are allowed to say anything, preferably some nice backhanded comment like Maggie Smith's character in Downton Abbey. Now THAT's something to aspire to! But I really could do without these down-and-out days with the sad hormones and go right on to the bitch-slapping. So much more fun! 
I just wonder, is there a reason that they never told us that we won't get rid of these emotional ups and downs? Had they told us as kids, would we not have had enough respect for adults, perhaps, since they are just as irrational as a teenager, even if they are better at pretending they are not? Come to think of it, are we as adults really better at pretending? Or just forced to at least try and pretend? If so, I guess I am just not really good at being an adult. And I'm not sure if that is actually a bad thing...

Thoughts on Job Hunting...

So, it's been a while since I thought of writing something for the blog. But job hunting has pretty much taken over my life these days. Well, not completely, I do manage to escape on occasion, and mostly that occasion is my man. But otherwise, well, wake up, switch on the computer, snuggle up with a cuppa tea and search for jobs online. I am still convinced that I will find a job soon, after all, I am sure I would be an asset with my experience, and I am certainly extremely adaptable, plus I love learning, so whatever comes along, I can learn to do it. Unfortunately, how do you get those HR people to realise that from the bit of information you send their way? I was sure it's all there, and they should see it. But apparently my way of self-advertising is not yet using the right keywords. I find myself at a loss there, though, cause what is it they want to hear? I've been applying for jobs that I am more than qualified and experienced to do, granted, some of them were quite a bit down the ladder again, so I can see how they might think I'd be jumping ship first opportunity I got. Maybe I should just say that all I want is a job that pays the bills and leaves me enough time to get home and write? But then I am not showing enough enthusiasm for the role again, aren't I? However you turn it, something always is wrong...

Well, what can I do? I will go on looking, and so far I am still convinced that my next job is just around the corner! Starting job-hunting in summer, and the Olympic summer at that, was certainly not the brightest idea. So, employers, here I am! Take me! Because, despite my sometimes a bit stubborn views of what is best I really want to work, and I really want to work as well as I possibly can, and learn and expand my knowledge. Take me!!