Meeting an old love...

Last weekend I went out to Awajishima, right here in Osaka Bay, with my friend... to her parents' place in the countryside... to get some fresh air and good seafood. And to meet my old love again. 

When we all used to live together in Chochiku House, he was living at the front with the family. I remember the first time we met. I went to chat with my friends in the front flat of the house, and have some tea, and he was there. He was looking at me suspiciously, after all he was living there and I wasn't. It was his place, what was a stranger doing there? But soon after there was a lot of touching and cuddling and dancing... the latter mostly by him. He has a very special happy dance, for when he is, well, happy. He shakes his bottom, then stretches out his legs and wags his head while making some indescribable sounds, something like yapping and neighing and laughing all at once. Oh, and licking of course. He would lick any free stretch of my skin he could reach.  

After that, whenever we met we would just fall over each other in embraces and cuddles. We were in love.

After I moved away and my friend had her second child, he moved out to Awajishima to stay with their parents. Now, six years after, he has become an old man. He is slowly going blind, and one of the legs won't really do what it's supposed to anymore. And his stature is a lot more filled out by now, since he can't walk much, but hangs around the kitchen most of the time where he will always get some snacks and goodies from otousan. But he recognised me instantly, and for the whole time I was there he would not leave my side, and we would again cuddle and he would still do the dance, if all a little more slowly than before.  And he still has the spirit, if not the energy or braveness to follow up on it. But he will surely make known when he is displeased with someone else taking his food. Even if he only grumbles and glares at the culprit, but not shout or hit out at them. Which is, effectively, useless, but he seems to be happy just having made some noise at all.

I am glad I was able to see my love once more. He will probably not be around for much longer anymore, turning older and sicker. Non, I love you, and I miss you already, after  being away from you again for just a day. I will always remember the time we had together!

 

How to talk when you don't know how...

  So, I am back in Japan once again, the weird place that holds a strange fascination for me, because even though I am highly critical of so many aspects of this society and will never succumb to many of the rules I still want to stay here, at least for a while longer. Call it what you will, masochism, love-hate relationship, challenging myself, I keep coming back, even if I sometimes have to run away half-way across the world just to get a break.

  Among one of my biggest challenges here is that I am a foreigner. Visibly. And a female at that, too. For a male foreigner many things are quite easy here, the nerdiest and positively attraction-free guys find those pretty chicks here, end up getting married and go off their heads in their own imagined super-sexiness. Outside of Japan they wouldn't have had a chance to reproduce, ever, but here... and it's not that the girls here are stupid. On the contrary, I think they have their own motives, which mostly come down to this: Japanese men are macho pigs. Exceptions do exist, but in general a Westerner makes a more comfortable partner. Or so I hear. For me, a Westerner, many of the guys still appear to be macho pigs, but maybe they win in comparison? I don't know. But fact is: For foreign men it's easy here, for foreign girls less so. Because Japanese men... well, the macho pig comment still stands. And most of the nice guys are too shy or too scared of Western women to make a move. And I have no clue how to notice who is nice and who isn't here, they all look like cute little boys to me! 

  Anyway, that wasn't what I wanted to talk about. What I did want to talk about was that as a foreigner you will always be just that, a foreigner. However hard you try, however well you speak the language, marry into a Japanese family, learn all those rules of conduct and mannerisms and what have you, you will still be the outsider. You will maybe get a glimpse of the inside, but you will never belong. Even if you find great friends or even partners, there will still be those moments where they will exclude you, because you wouldn't understand. And they won't explain. Because some things just can't be translated, linguistically or culturally.

  I came to this country in the first place to learn the language. I wasn't too interested in the culture to begin with, I just wanted to learn a language with a different writing system. And then I got stuck with it, and went on, all the way to Osaka. I stayed for a while, learned a lot, but then forgot it all again when I left. Therein lies the rub, this damn language just vanishes from your braincells if you don't refill them every day... 

  And so, after going on two decades of dealing with this language, I still can't speak it. Oh yes, it sounds impressive to others who don't understand a word of Japanese, and I am definitely able to make myself understood and have simple conversations, but make it a bit more complicated and that's where it all ends. And that is so damn frustrating! I mean really frustrating, the kind where I just want to throw myself on the floor and pound it with my fists and scream at the top of my lungs! And I would, if I even remotely thought it might help...

  So what to do? Luckily in many situation people overlook my lack of Japanese or the parts where I wasn't able to express myself politely or even remotely correctly, and still talk to me the next day. There may be some who didn't, but since they usually withdraw themselves really discretely I didn't notice. And wasn't bothered by the fact that we never met again.

  But still, I wish I could be able to express myself much better, and know what to say in certain situations, and ask the questions I really want to ask but don't know how, and understand the underlying meaning of what I am being told. I mean, I love my friends here, and I know they love me, despite me trampling on their toes every once in a while because I just didn't get it. By now their feet must be flat as pancakes. I just wish I could finally get to a point where I feel like I know what I'm doing. Or saying rather. And be able to say the right thing when they tell me their grandmother is in hospital. Instead, all I can do is look concerned, and give them a hug. And for now, that has to be enough... 

    

The Sick Part of Japan's Society

I like Japan, I really do. There are many people and places and things here that I like, and miss when I'm away. And some things not. Some things I really do not like. And will never understand... 

Japan has a lot of rules. Too many rules. You see people on the street afraid to speak their mind, even on little things, because they don't want to impose on others. A society painstakingly trying to follow their vast set of rules, and never quite managing to, as there are way too many for one person to remember. You can see it on their faces out on the street, empty eyes and vacant looks on some faces, intent on staying in their own little world and avoiding any contact, eyes or other, with any other human being out here. Others are more awake, for example they are obviously interested in seeing a foreigner walk around in such an unlikely place such as Furukawabashi, but at the same time are scared of what it would entail if they actually did engage in a conversation, and therefore opt to only watch me out of the corner of their eyes, too afraid that a straight look might be interpreted as an invitation to talk. And then there are those that have apparently broken under the strain and turned antisocial, to degrees that border, if not cross, the line to sickness.

Like that guy I came across the other day, walking past the playground just around the corner from here, on my way to take a friend back to the train station. The guy was on the playground, the kids playing behind him, his pants down, and intently playing with his thing, tiny as it was, through the opening of his underpants. Right there, with the kids playing, in bright daylight, and standing right by the path, not even trying to hide in a corner or anything. At first I didn't get it, it took a while before I actually understood what he was doing there. We walked on, but I kept on looking back, to confirm I wasn't imagining things. I wasn't. And when I finally thought of taking out the phone and calling my friend back in the house to get the police, he had already started to pack it in. 

When the police did come the kids told him that apparently he was a regular there, some had already tried to tell him to take it somewhere else, but he'd pretended not to hear. The neighbours know him, know where he lives, but nobody dares to say anything. They don't want to impose... And the police can't do much either. Apparently he has a record, but whenever they catch him he says he was just trying to pee, and despite everyone knowing better, they cannot call him a liar, as that would be an affront to the poor guy. 

I really don't get it. I mean, if he was standing in some dark corner at night, that would be one thing, but on a playground? Obviously what turns him on are kids, and what will he do if jerking off in front of them isn't enough anymore? But no, nobody will do anything, not before someone has been hurt. Little kids being traumatised by a sicko on the playground doesn't count. Alright, granted, there really isn't that much in his pants to traumatise anyone but himself with, but nonetheless, the kids feel bad with him there, and can't do anything about it. It is sad to see that apparently this guy was driven to such extents that he lost all sense of shame, only to try and find some release in this sick way. It is even sadder that people have created a society here where nobody will say anything, just because they are afraid of imposing, until it is too late.   

Everything's changed, but all's still the same...

So there I am, back again in Osaka. Good old Osaka. It really is great to see my family here again, see how the kids have grown, each in their own way: Upwards, sideways and in the way they start to handle their fights on their own...

And what a change in volume, from staying in a quiet office with sometimes nobody dropping in for a few days, to a house full of kids and adults, all talking and laughing and shouting and screaming... granted, the latter part is mostly done by the kids, but at a volume that still amazes me, taken that the lungs that produce those sounds are what, a quarter of my own lungs' size? They still know how to properly use them! 

Another 180 degree change is that suddenly your body isn't your own anymore. You sit down at the computer and one of the kids will come and sit on your lap to watch what you are doing. Walking into the room you are free game for hugs, as a climbing frame, or just a convenient means of transport. Oh, and to get them things they can't reach or open, of course. Still, when they come to hug you all of that doesn't matter. 

I have met some more of my old friends that are still in town, and a few more will come back here while I'm here, so I will get a chance to see them again, too. It's funny to see how all these people are linked to me and to others, it's like a huge spiderweb: People I've met on the job in London, who are from Osaka but I've never met here before. Or the friend who I worked with during the Expo in Nagoya, who now lives in Germany but came to visit, and who's friend we once met by accident and who became my friend since then, and who I introduced to the family and who is now their friend as well... and the web grows and grows, and becomes more and more intertwined with other lives... and then you sometimes find the threads you have sent out in one direction coming back to you in some roundabout way.

A lot has changed here since I've lived here, but a lot is still the same. Some people have moved away, some have stayed, some have returned. Some still do what they did five years ago, some have started new things. Some people I still meet, others I have lost contact with. We all make our way through whatever and wherever our path has taken us by now. Everything's changed, but all is still the same... I'm curious to see what will happen next...

Changing Plans

Ah, what to do, what to do... One day I am sure that I need to go this way, and then I realise that it wasn't the right thing, just at this moment, after all. On to the next, but where will this lead? 

I know, that once I know what I want I can work on it, go for it, the problem is, what do I want? And since I don't have a clue just now, how can I find out? 

Is it just me who is feeling this way, lost somewhere between all the different ways of life I see around me, grazing other people's worlds but unable to build a world of my own? Everyone else seems to have found a place, know where they are going, have a sense of direction. I feel bewildered by all the possibilities, unable to decide which is the right one for me. 

I want a bit of everything... always have, which is why I chose to see the world, try out different things, different ways of life... Which is fine for a while, but sometimes, as just now, I feel I am lacking a sense of direction. I need to have something to work towards. And even though I am aware that it is just me who has to make the decision, why is it so damn difficult to decide?

All of this would not be a problem, if I just wanted to go on the way I have been so far. But that much I know, I need something a bit more steady, a bit more consistent, something that I care enough for to stay even if it gets annoying... How do I make that decision?  

"Comes the Dawn..."

"After a while you learn the subtle difference
between holding a hand and chaining a soul.
And you learn that love doesn't mean leaning,
and company doesn't mean security.
And you begin to understand that kisses aren't contracts,
and presents aren't promises.
And you begin to accept your defeats, 
with your head up and your eyes open,
with the grace of a woman,
not the grief of a child.
And you learn to build your roads on today,
for tomorrow's ground is too uncertain for plans 
and futures have a way of falling down in mid-flight.
And you learn that even sunshine burns if you get too much.
So you plant your own garden,
and decorate your own soul,
instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers.
And you learn that you really can endure,
and that you really are strong,
and that you really do have worth.
And you learn and you learn,
with every goodbye you learn."

This poem has been my travel companion for many years now. When I first came across it I was travelling through New Zealand, and found it in the guestbook of the hostel in Kaikoura where I was staying. I did not know who wrote it, the book didn't say. It doesn't matter anyway, whoever wrote it, she spoke to me.

But after years of living in different places, doing different jobs, trying out different things, travelling, meeting people, making friends, and leaving again, the poem has not lost any of its meaning, for me.

Isn't it strange how these things go? You spend time in a place, build your own little world, populate it with people around you, and make friends. Some friends you think you will keep forever, even over huge distances, and some you think are just there for the time being, until you drift apart. But somehow I keep on being surprised on how things turn out, how people I thought were not really that much of a friend have grown close to me and been around for decades, while others I thought were really close vanished soon after. I have given up on expecting anything, after all, a few thousand, or even just hundred, kilometers can make a huge difference. Some friendships survive, others don't. There's no telling which is going what way. 

So, I have just turned another corner in life, have met wonderful people, have missed other wonderful people I had met before, and am now back with some of them that have grown very close to me. I have had new experiences, and learned a lot, from all the people and situations I have come across. I have no idea where it will all go from here, what awaits at the next step, and who I will meet along the way. And I am trying to just let it flow where it may take me, and see who will float beside me. I know that I will learn with every step, I might even one day have an idea of where I want to end up. I will meet new people, miss others who I have met before, and meet some of them again. Some will stay around, some will not. I only hope the things that brought us together will keep us together, over distance and time, and all the changes in life that lie ahead of us.

 

Leaving Places

What is it about leaving places? How come all things suddenly happen right at the last minute? When you made the decision to leave you had your reasons, were maybe even longing for the moment to move on to the next step.  And then things come creeping up on you...

After having been in Malaysia and not getting anywhere with figuring out how to find customers for the little business venture we had envisioned, and my funds running low, I was ready to move on, come here to Japan again where I am now, and see if some job, teaching or other, might come my way, and if not, just get back to London and find a job there. I had made a few very nice friends, in addition to my lovely old friends that I had come to work with, had seen beautiful things, eaten amazing food, and even learned a few words in Malay at last. But since it all didn't seem to lead much of anywhere, I started getting impatient. As did my bank account. 

So it was time to move on. And rather than going right back to Europe I wanted to go see my family in Osaka again, and stay with them for a bit, before probably settling down in Britain. The decision was made, the tickets purchased, and the last trip to the beach, this time round, was planned. And I was looking forward to move on.

But, of course, all these things happen right then. The place someone tells you about that is just so amazing that you would love to go there right this minute. Or the trip your friend plans and would have taken you along with, if only you had been around. Or you meet this really lovely man that appears to be the perfect fit, if only you had met him under different circumstances. Or you hear about this job opportunity that seems to open up all of a sudden, now that you had given up on the business. Or all of the above. As in my case. Bugger.

How come that I attract these things and opportunities right at the point when I have decided to turn into a different direction? What is it that changes? My attitude, knowing that it is all gonna be over soon? Is it simply that things don't seem to matter much anymore since I am going to leave anyway, and that that makes me so much more relaxed? Does that mean I should simply not care about anything anymore, and just have things come my way, whatever they may turn out to be? 

To a certain extend I think this is actually true: When you are relaxed you are in a much better position to judge and act on whatever comes along, while obsessing on one plan will make you blind to many opportunities that may be not quite so obvious. Much like squinting your eyes, where you will have only limited vision, as opposed to looking around with relaxed eyes and taking in the whole picture, where you may even discover something of interest from the corner of your eyes.
So, is that the answer? Give up caring? I am pretty much for just letting things flow, see what happens, there's no way you can plan what happens anyway, as things have a way of turning out different to what you had expected. If only I could switch off that little nagging voice, society's conditioning that I've been fighting all this time, that tells me I got to settle, get a man, house, kid, dog, pension plan, or else it is all gonna go downhill from here... Mostly I don't care, things have a way of working out somehow. But sometimes, just sometimes, I actually believe these voices and get scared. Something to work on...