Reality is what you make it. It's all in your head. Isn't that what they say? Well, starting from Plato's cave I suppose it is true. We all perceive reality in some way, but never see the whole picture. Each time science, or philosophy for that matter, discovers something new our view on what constitutes reality changes. We now know that what we see is not all there is to it. And just because we cannot see something does not mean it is not there. I'm not talking about ghosts, although I would include them in this category. But just think of bacteria crawling on a table. Now that we have microscopes we can prove they are there, but without it we don't see them.
And more, everybody sees things in their own way, on the basis of their physical and psychological situation: the table I see is not the same table that you see. We may see the colours differently, or maybe I grew up in a culture where I have only ever seen tiny little wicker tables and suddenly, when seeing a wooden dinner table seating 8 am astonished that this is possible. And even further, just the word table, assuming we both speak English and understand its meaning, will summon a different picture in our minds, and will never include everything a table in reality is or can be. It is only an approximation, Derrida sends his regards... But this is not really what I want to talk about.
So, back to reality. What is real? And who says it is? If I experience something, with my senses that lead the information into my brain, which in turn interprets that in some way, then I experience a reality. Say, if I touch that dinner table, and feel that it is cold, that the wood has this slightly grooved pattern, I can see it is brown, I might even still smell the wood if it's new, or the polish someone used to make it shiny, then my senses send this information to my brain, which tells me after interpreting all the facts that this is indeed a table. It is real, empirically. So how is this experience then any more real than if I had the same experience in a dream? An experience that I have experienced should mean just the same, if in a dream or when awake. How do I even know if I am awake, would Descartes ask, if my experiences in a dream feel the same? How do I know that this reality here, now, is not all a dream? It does not make much more sense than a dream, so what is the difference? Do I wait for a pink bunny to hop by to decide which is real and which isn't? And if it did, how would I be sure that pink bunnies in fact do not exist after all? Maybe someone just went a little crazy with a can of spray paint?
No, don't worry, I don't think I have gone mad. I do like these thought experiments, though. Reality is what you make in your head, reality is what your brain summarises from all the information it gets from you, whether through the senses or even through memories, and sometimes through false memories or dreams, which is where it can get tricky. But it is not always something substantial in the 'real world' that let's me experience something. Why else do I get sad when thinking about breaking up with the last boyfriend almost 3 weeks ago, even though I saw the reasons for it to happen? Logically there is no reason to be sad, psychologically (ha, I love that this has logic in it too, the logic of the psyche, as in opposed to rational logic...), however, my body reacts to the experience with tears and that sagging feeling in my stomach. Experiences turn into physical manifestations. Your body makes them into something, it reacts. And strangely enough, sometimes the body reacts to something, in some way, even though you know that there is no real reason for it to do so. And strange situations ensue.
The other day, when everything came crashing down on me all at once, from every imaginable corner of my life, and it was all too much suddenly, I had a panic attack. A mild one, if I go by accounts of it. But frightening nonetheless. And I knew it was a panic attack, I knew that the feeling of choking and my body fighting for breath was just my body reacting to too much stress, and that even though it felt like I might, I would not die. I even knew I had to reach out to someone to calm me down, and started texting whoever came to mind, which in my confused state was quite random, asking for someone to arrange to meet. Even if not right then, the prospect of a chance to just cry on someone's shoulder would have helped. Only my ex replied, which I am still grateful for, even if he was definitely not the best choice in the situation. But I was panicking. I still needed someone to calm me down though, and simply accosted my one flatmate who was at home, who looked very scared, but managed to calm me down, say the right things, and just let me breathe. Other than the other one who, when he got home, somehow managed to make everything worse, and every single sentence he said was like a kick in the guts while I was already down. Even though I know he just wanted to help, all I wanted was for him to shut up, but I couldn't say anything, not even get up and leave the room. Anyway, throughout all this I was aware that all my bodily reactions, the choking and the cramps in my stomach, were not actually based on anything other than my thoughts.
So how real are thoughts then? I mean, I know that now I am broke, I have no job and trouble finding one, and am alone again without a man who is there to hold me and give me at least the illusion of a partnership. I also know that I need to focus on things I like, and things I need, to counterbalance the negatives. And I know that things will get better soon, because I have always found a job, and chances are much better in the next couple of months than they have been until now, purely statistically speaking. I know that I will survive for money, because there are ways to deal with my situation, like benefits and lovely flatmates who agreed to help by postponing the rent. And I know that I can live my life without that man, maybe even better, and that there are so many things I enjoy doing, and so many people to enjoy these things with. How do I know if any of that is real? How do I know that maybe not the negatives are the reality, and that my other flatmate was right when he said it was my fault I didn't get that last job because I posted a comment about me wanting the job on Facebook, and that I will never find a job if I don't get happy pills right now even though taking pills will make me feel so much worse because I will consider that like I'd have crossed that last line? I mean, all this sounds just so wrong to me, but how do I know that maybe this is what's right and I am the one who's wrong? Because my gut tells me?
Well, reality is what you make of it. So all I gotta do is decide what I consider to be real, right? Decide, and the body will follow, eventually. At the moment it just sometimes takes too much energy to decide, or even to notice that there is a choice. I mean, there is always a choice, even if I don't see it. It is all a matter of what my mind lets me see and what not. Or rather, what I let my mind allow me to see. After all, I am the one creating my reality, and my choices. I just wish I had finally figured out how to control all that a little more, so that I can decide on my experiences and my reality, and not let experiences create a reality for me. Tricky...
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