I have my Japanese dad staying with me at the moment, and he will be sharing my room for two months. I know I will probably wish for some solitude at some point during this time, but right now I am so glad that he is here. And he has made me notice in just what state I have been in lately, something I had not realised, not to that extent at least...
Shortest way to describe it: I've been zombified. Spending days on end on job search and applications, being glued to the computer, sounds like I should be wanting to get out and run around every chance I get, right? I kind of do. Doesn't work that way though.
At the moment this situation drains every last bit of energy, to the extent that if I don't pay attention I don't manage to get out at all into the fresh air (well, this is London, so fresh air is a relative term, but you know what I mean, right?). Worse, I get so drawn into these applications that I have even on occasion forgotten to eat or things like that. And it is difficult to conjure up the energy to take initiative and meet friends unless they call, which is very isolating. I am a social person, I need human contact, an evening out with friends to catch up, sitting around and just having a laugh and a nice chat about something, anything, as long as it's not exclusively about finding a job gives me so much energy...
Unfortunately my mind won't come up with topics by itself these days, as all revolves around applications and the misery of existential fears creeping up on me. Which eats away on my energy. Which makes it harder to arrange to meet friends for a change of scenery. Which keeps me stuck with more applications and thoughts about fears. Which drains more energy... you see where I'm going with this? A bottomless downward spiral...
Having my otousan here has forced me to wake up. He is one of those people who can hardly stop smiling, or talking for that matter, and even if it is all in Japanese and trying to dig out that vocabulary somewhere in the back of my mind to follow his stories or reply myself takes a lot of energy, it has a different effect on me. My brain seems to work again! Well, in the sense that it can bring up stories or anecdotes again that have nothing to do with throwing in key words such as flexible or multi-tasking. And I remember that there were actually things out there that I was interested in. Like books! Like history! Like art and museums, and just learning new things! And I love taking friends around and showing them London, finding things or places to interest them so that they can fall in love with this place the same way that I have.
So, even if I'll have no moment of quiet in a while and no spare time between job hunt, my volunteer job, and taking otousan around London, at least that means I will also have no time to dwell on breaking up with the boyfriend or on worries about what will happen if the job hunt doesn't bear fruit anytime soon. And I can finally fight the zombie off and start to think again! Reclaim my brain, the slogan of the day...
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