Somewhere to Belong...

Moving around between continents to explore, being restless, feeling caged in when too much routine sets in, feeling too young to get stuck in a place yet, well, those are just a few things I could say about the reasons why I find it so difficult to settle on one location to live and, well, settle down. Another is that I have always been looking for somewhere to belong. Even back when I was little. I have always felt like an outsider, like I was that little green alien coming for a visit. 

In first grade I had figured out how to read within two weeks and allegedly had decided I was done with school, since that was what I had come here for. Pity there were another 13 years to go through with... 

In second grade we moved to another city, and I was the only one listening to pop music in my class, while everyone else was still talking about kid's audio plays. So I found a few friends, but I was always a step away, be it too far or behind, the mainstream. And proud of it, I might add, since it made me feel unique.

But I suppose, uniqueness comes at a price. One I was more than willing to pay, since mainstream was annoying me like hell, in the way where I would actually feel nauseous when I saw the other girls prancing around with their pink heart accessories, or giggle about stuff that makes any sane person's head hurt. Ok, call me snobbish, so what? I have taste! Even if it's not shared by everyone else... Which means, yes, I can hold my head up high and stand by my taste in music or literature etc, but makes not much for popularity, especially when the hits of the moment are prominent on my worst-music-ever list... 

Well, but the choice to stand apart kind of developed the compulsion to first question anything that was popular before looking at it for its own merit. By now I have learned to accept some things, even if popular, and even if they are possibly not the highest rating artistic works on earth. Thus, yes, I admit, I read all the Harry Potter Books, and though nothing outstandingly original from a literary point of view was to be found, I really did enjoy reading them. To give just one example...

But other things remain. So I find myself quite often trying hard to appear as a local, even if on holiday, because I don't want to be mistaken for one of those brainless tourists running off the list of must-sees in their Lonely Planet rather than having a real look around, deciding what they themselves might be interested in and God forbid learn something about another culture. And for the longest time I did not want to be obviously taken for a German, even if I don't want to give up that passport ever, since it's too comfy to travel on this one. But being taken for a German would usually come with all those stereotypes which I try my best to defy. And then I find myself being annoyed myself when someone promises to come out for a drink with me and then cancels last minute... 

Nonetheless, the concept of being different has always and still does appeal to me. Different, other, special... And even though I don't feel special, I suppose I have managed to achieve that, in a way, since people tend to tell me more often than not that they wouldn't be able to lead my life while admiring my life choices. That's what they say at least. But this is not a discussion about how honest other people express their  opinions. It's about having chosen to stand by my own ideals, by opposing conformity, and the consequences. Because, as much as I appreciate how people admire that I am able to just pack up and leave and go somewhere completely different, it comes at a price. 

Having moved between places, between lifestyles, between societies, I find it difficult to deal with routine. I have never had to settle, since I always knew that if I got annoyed I could just pack up and leave. Which is what I did. But keeping your head down and just going through with it is something I have not yet learned. Well, other than the various exams that I had to study for and things like that where the end was in sight. But on a larger scale, where you have no clue how long it may last and where it may lead, how do you deal with that? Especially since I am so bad with dealing with uncertainty? I know, I know, that sounds kind of absurd when at the same time I have no problem with just packing my things and going off to live in Japan or something like that. But the thing is, that by packing up I took the decision myself, I knew where I was going even if I had to start again, and what basics I had to settle first. But not knowing if there will ever be a change in the job you do and still go through with it day by day, when every step closer to the office makes your stomach clench that much further, that is something I am not prepared for.  And even though I still believe that if you hate your job that much you simply have to quit, come what may, there is an element of settling down and just accepting good and bad with that decision that I am as yet unsure about. 

Settling down... essentially I AM planning on settling down, but I have been looking for a place where I feel like I belong. A feeling which is largely defined, in my opinion, by the people that surround me. So I am looking for the place where I feel at home with the people around me, where I have good friends, where I will find love, where I want to stay. Well, the problem with that is that I have made a few good friends, just that they are spread out all across the world. Each of them I love for their own personality, each of them I miss, each of them has enriched my life in their own special way. But how do I decide which ones I want to live close to?

But that is the thing, right? It's a decision. And I have to take this decision, at some point. Somehow, it turns out, I had always assumed that these things just fall into place and settle themselves without my doing much about it. But these days I realise that belonging is not just a matter of coincidence, a matter of your surroundings coming to you take you in, but that it's largely a matter of deciding that this is where I belong, and building my world on that basis. Of making a choice and sticking with it. Once I have decided that, everything else will follow. 

Well, sounds good, doesn't it? Just decide and there you go. And knowing that it is simply a matter of myself deciding does help, now at least it is in my own control. A place to belong... If only I knew what that means! How does it feel to belong? How do I know that I have achieved it? And even more importantly, how do I, who hates limiting my possibilities, rule out all other places for the sake of just one single spot on earth where I want to settle? Live and learn, I say, live and learn... and see what the next turn in life has to say about that!