This isn't really a new observation, but I was just reminded yesterday how much pressure people put on themselves to fit into society, to be what society decides you should be, and to try and belong. They put so much pressure on themselves that they cannot do anything but fail because the goals are set way too high and they just make themselves sick in the process.
It was my friend's girlfriend's birthday yesterday, and we went out for a few drinks. Her friends were almost exclusively from her self-help group for people suffering from depression, so naturally the topic revolved a lot about experiences and reasons why people get depressed. I was a bit afraid that in my current state, where I feel I can hardly keep a grip on my life and don't really know how to cope with unemployment and recurring rejection, this might be a potentially very unhealthy place for me to be. But it was actually very good to hear what some of them had to say, and realise how similar their experience is to my fight not to lose my confidence and sense of self in the face of constant rejection, and to find the energy to continue and play he game of presenting yourself as much as possible in the image that society wants you to be in order to find acceptance, or a job as in my case. And still stay true to oneself.
The general consensus was that most of them got sick when they found they could not be the person their surroundings, and most of all they themselves, expected them to be. Instead of being outgoing, bubbly, the centre of attention, high achieving successful career people they were introverted, often quite creative, and though they do enjoy meeting with people and having some fun there are days when they prefer just to stay at home and have some quiet time. I say they, but I am like that as well. I like being around people, I need the human contact, the chats and laughs, but I do also need time for myself. Which is all fine. Once this need to be alone takes over, drains all your energy and keeps you from going out at all, from being able to hold a job etc, that's where the problem starts.
But I wanted to focus on failed expectations and pressure. In order to be... for lack of a better word I call it normal, as in society's norm of a well-situated person... so, in order to be normal you need to fulfill certain criteria, you know, a bit like in a highschool drama: You should look a certain way to be considered pretty, you should have many friends and do cool things like snowboarding or play in a band (it turns out playing in an orchestra is not really cool, unfortunately, so all my classical music training was in vain I guess), then later you need the high-paying job, go clubbing on the weekend in trendy locales, and then get married and have the 1.5 kids or whatever the statistic is right now. If you do you are insanely happy. If not then something is wrong with you. The fact that there is nobody out there whose life is perfect, that everybody has something they don't like about themselves, they don't like about their life, their work, their relationship is something many people seem to forget. Just because people don't talk about it and pretend that everything is great doesn't mean it is. And the more insistent they are on how happy they are, the likelier it is that they really aren't.
This woman talked about how she used to think that her family and everyone around her were all so strong and happy because they kept making her feel dependent on their opinion and convinced her how inadequate she was because she wasn't as Christian as they were or not as successful or couldn't keep a relationship. At some point she realised that she was actually much more Christian than they were, because she went out and helped wherever she saw people who needed help, whereas her family thrived on seeing others suffer and feeling superior because of that.
I think a lot of our problems stem from us comparing ourselves to others, heck, our entire society is built on comparison and the need to strive for what we don't have, just so that we can feel prettier or better or worth more than others who do not drive the same car or can talk as confidently about how great they are. So much of it is just pretend, the material things to show off, the bragging to pretend that they are such great achievers and know everything when they do not... I mean I envy people who can talk a lot of bullshit and present themselves as the greatest person on earth. In a sense I would like to be able to have the nerve, but all I see is someone talking rubbish and I find it impossible to believe that all those people listening to that actually buy it. I couldn't do it because I'd think I was insulting their intelligence by embellishing things so obviously out of proportion. But society wants the loudmouths, the ones that never shut up about themselves and think they know it all, whereas I prefer to listen and learn and develop. Don't get me wrong, I know what I can do, I am confident in my abilities and can talk about them in straight terms, but I find it very difficult to brag about it and make it all sound so much more than it is, which is what is expected apparently when I see how the recruitment market works. Only the loudest bullshitter will get the job. And I still hope for someone with the mind to realise what actually is behind it...
It's just so sad to see how society works, where expectations to conform to an ideal are so strong that more and more people fall through the net when they see their failings and can't cope with the pressure. What hardly anyone realises is that we all fail in one way or another, and that is a good thing, cause if we were all exactly like this ideal person in society, man, how boring would this world be? It's just sometimes so difficult to stand up for oneself and just be who we are, and not care that others might not like it. After all we are the ones to decide who we should or should not be, we decide where we want to go and what we want to strive for in life. And I want to believe that we can, even if it means struggling against mainstream ideals and fighting to keep feeling adequate and confident, despite people trying to convince you otherwise...
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