Ex News...

 

Well, this got me thinking... I just heard that one of my exes got married. It doesn't surprise me, I kind of figured he might sell out. See, it was an arranged marriage, and since he was clearly unable to form and maintain a relationship on his own I sort of guessed that this would be an easy way out for him, even when we were together, and sooner or later he would just let it happen. His family put pressure on him all the time to find a nice Indian girl, and it was just a matter of time until he would give in, after all he was not the type who would stand up for me and make it happen that we would stay together. So, it's not actually a real surprise. 

But it is, though. It's one of those things, where marriage suddenly takes on a whole different meaning. Where marriage is the goal, and he has achieved it. I don't even believe in marriage, but hearing this rings this tiny little bell somewhere in my unconscious mind that says this is what you have to do in life, "'cause we say so". It's not even that kind of marriage, you know, marriage for love, this whole thing was just arranged. Plus, it's probably not even going to be a very happy one, which kind of makes me sad to think, particularly for her... He was so caught up in his own personal problems, that he indulged a lot in his little fantasies, to the extent that he seemed to live for them, but then when it came to performance, well, let's just say, his fantasy world did not have much to do with the real world. It was a sexually frustrating relationship for me, and I assume that she is not going to fare that much better. I kind of hope, for her sake, that he has changed, but I seriously doubt that. 

So all in all, it's not like he has won... you know, how you sometimes have the feeling you need to be the first after you break up to get another partner, just to win over the other person, to prove that you are over them. I met him again after we broke up, and had nothing to say to him, it was all over, and I had no interest in pursuing any sort of relationship with him. It IS over. And I really don't want him back. I am actually the one who has a lovely man in my life right now, the beginning phase where everything is exciting and new, and everything is still open to possibility. I am happy with him, and curious to see what will become of us in the future. I am not looking for anyone else, I am happy right where I am. But still, hearing this news, it somehow brought me down. A bit. Not enough to depress me, but it does leave a strange taste in my mouth, the taste of failure, even if I know that I haven't failed. I just don't understand why... Maybe tomorrow will give me an answer?

 

A Night Person in the Morning

I am not a morning person. Never have been, never will. It's genetic, my whole family is a grumpy lot before their first coffee. I mean, I am seriously dangerous in the morning, when I am not really awake yet, and someone tries and asks me a question, and then even worse, expects an answer. I have been known to scare my boss into leaving the subject and gently approaching me again two hours later on the topic with just one mean look. It's the I breathe fire and have no qualms about burning you into a smoking little pile of ash if you don't leave me alone kind of look. And I mean it! 

So, not a morning person. My brain doesn't really work, and all I want is to sleep, and having to force myself into reading something, listening to someone and following their line of argument, and worse, having to decide what I want to do or eat later when I can't even manage to think about the next minute, that is hell for me. I just wasn't built for this time of the day. I am rather the kind of person who can stay up late into the night, watch the sun come up again, and get a lot of things done until then. Morning is when you sleep!

And then I go out and start dating a morning person. Which as such is not a first, I have dated other guys that woke and got up at 6 in the morning just for the fun of it, which I just cannot understand in the least. That kind of behaviour is simply so alien to me, they might have come from a different planet. For all I know they did...

Usually that just means they learn to do their own thing in the morning, and when we get to a more decent time, you know, one that has two digits in the front, I'd crawl out of bed, get a coffee, and join them. This guy, however, actually got me to wake up with him, and not even notice that it was so early. I'm still not a great talker before I get a few teas down, since at the moment I seem to be neglecting my coffee addiction for a serious tea drinking habit. But for example during 4 days that my boyfriend took me out camping he somehow managed to have me up in functioning mode and out on the road by 9am. Which in itself is a miracle. But it gets worse. I now sit here, at 7am, as in early in the morning, having woken up way earlier and already on the second cup of tea, and am writing! I mean, what is this? He isn't even here, I was at home all by myself. So it's not like he was here slowly waking me up by getting fidgety or something. It was all my own doing! 

This is just so wrong. I feel like someone has stolen my personality and replaced it with one from the breakfast show. I might still not be chirpy, but this waking up and having a working brain frightens me. I'm not used to this! I want my lazy mornings back, where I could enjoy the heavy feeling of sleep in my warm bed, slowly letting some thoughts sift through the fog until I am ready for the day. This waking up and suddenly having the urge to get tea and write is just unnatural. I am not equipped for dealing with coherent thought at this hour! Well, let's see, with a bit of training I might actually get my own personality back...