I am more than 7 months into the pregnancy now, and have come to a conclusion: Pregnancy sucks.
I
had hoped the problems I have would fade away after the first 3 months,
as the literature, doctors, and everyone else seems to promise, but they didn't. True, I don't
faint as much anymore, but I still choke for air after a few steps or a
few minutes of standing, sometimes so badly that I have to lie down to get my
breathing under control again. They've done tests upon tests, but
couldn't find any reason and assume that's just a pregnancy symptom gone
worse in my case. So even getting home up the
stairs to the second floor is nearly impossible to accomplish and I need to take
breaks every few steps.
They tell you a lot of things
about pregnancy: What a miracle it is to create new life, how happy you
must be to be expecting, that you will glow and get energy boosts, and
just simply how excited you must be now. What they don't tell you is how
hard it is. How terrible you feel at first, and not just for 3 months,
when the baby sucks everything out of you. How "morning sickness" is the
misnomer of the millennium, as it has nothing to do with mornings, you
feel sick ALL THE TIME. The glow and energy boost is still keeping me
waiting, instead my skin is drier than ever and psoriasis is sprouting
all over. And instead of extra energy I dose off every few hours from
exhaustion.
The worst I experience, though, is this expectation by society that
now you have to be happy and excited. I am too exhausted to be either.
On the contrary, I struggle very much with not just losing control over
my body, feeling exhausted and unwell almost the entire time, and no
matter which way I turn I cannot get comfortable, but also as a
consequence losing control over my life, social and professional. Having
to be somewhere on time, already a struggle in London with transport
here being what it is, is even more of an uphill struggle when I can
walk only at half the normal speed and need to sit down for a breath
every couple of minutes. Going places where I can't have a seat are out,
as after a few minutes of standing I will be out of breath and feel faint. Staying out with friends is a very limited experience, as
exhaustion will set in after an hour or two, which means I can't continue a
conversation and really just want to lie down, or else feel increasingly
unwell. Plus, I can manage an evening out maybe once or twice a week,
after which I will be too exhausted again for a few days to manage much
of anything. The life I used to have is gone, and the simplest things I
took for granted are not possible anymore and turn everything upside
down.
Some people might be able to deal with this easily, but many, like
myself, are not. Having no control over my life anymore as my body
won't let me do even simple things like walking up stairs, is such a
radical limitation to how I used to live that it depresses me. Which is
another thing that nobody talks about, but thousands of pregnant women
experience: antenatal depression. If we would talk about it more maybe
more women would be prepared for the reality of what pregnancy can bring
to your life, the sacrifices you have to make in your life and to the
way you live it, the drastic changes it brings long before you have even
given birth, or put simply: That being pregnant means giving up
control. Some lucky ones will do well and not experience as many
limitations as others. But for many it is a huge struggle, both
physically and psychologically. And meeting constant expectations from
society that you have to be over-the-moon happy and excited only makes
it worse, takes even more control, the control over your own feelings, away
from you.
So in essence, I know that there are women out
there who have wanted a baby, have been planning for it for a long time
and who are excited when it finally happens. Good for you! There are
also many who desperately want a child but cannot have one, and who will gladly put up with feeling miserable as long as it means they are pregnant. And all of
their feelings are valid. All I am saying is that mine are just as
valid, as is the struggle of many many other women who have trouble
coping with pregnancy. Not talking about it and instead spreading this
stereotype of the glowing, energetic woman stroking lovingly her growing
bump with an angelic smile on her face, does not help. On the contrary,
it worsens the situation for many who do not feel this way and instead
wonder what is wrong with them, since everyone tells you this is how you
have to be, so obviously being different means something must be wrong
with them.
Therefore, I am saying today that pregnancy is
not what society stereotypes make it out to be. Not for everyone, that
is. It can be an exhausting experience, it can even be a bad experience,
depending on how it goes for you. Expectations are so often wrong. In
my case it certainly is a major struggle, and not a very happy one. I
simply think being pregnant sucks. And you know what? Despite
what they tell you, this is okay.
